73. Missing: Sun.

dear sun.


please return.


-michelle






yesterday i saw a counselor. my depression has grown. my anxiety has grown. my irritability has grown. my tension has grown. my sense of worthlessness has grown. my anger has grown. my emptiness has grown. in other words i've been feeling like my nerves are about fried. that there is a real chance i might lose my mind.


the counselor. still not sure what to make of him. feeling like i should have perhaps requested a female. not liking the fact that when i left not only did my eyes sting from crying so much but that i felt worse if that was possible.


i've been thinking about why all day. i've come to a few conclusions - none of which i feel like writing about at the moment. i made an appointment with a different counselor. that won't be for another month. i'll go to this first counselor again next week. let him know my feelings. see what he says. determine if it's worth my time.


i know that i shouldn't just hear what i want to at such an appointment but i also know that giving me even more insecurities will not help. at all. that and he gave me a book to read. haven't really started it yet but so far there is a little too much god in it for me. again. we'll see.


in the meantime i'll keep trying to figure out what is going on with me. depression is an extremely lonely place. on the one hand all you want to do is cry and complain. and you do. to those closest to you. to the point where you feel not only stupid (because if you could play back a video of one of your breakdowns you'd realize what a complete buffoon you look like) but like you're driving them crazy.


so then you turn inwards. you try to push it all down. you have no outlet for your emotions except a journal but your hand won't keep up with your thoughts. you start to realize you're causing your body physical harm.


what then? that is where i'm at. the what then. the stuck. the place where you don't feel like hanging out or making idle chit-chat - you just don't have the energy to form the words 'i'm doing fine/good/great' you just don't care. you are alone.


so. if you've been wondering where i've been - there you go. i know i'll be fine but it's hard.


and some sunshine would really help.

70. oh darling...

...please believe me...


gosh i love the beatles. love them. listening to them right now. been awhile since i rocked out to some music. did my little chair dance. wrote a bitchy blog.* oh wait.....


work has been okay lately. still not challanged. but still employed which considering the state of things right now is nothing to turn my nose up at. but today i did.


don't get me wrong. there are days when i love the fact that i get paid to crochet and knit all day. today was one of those days. but i didn't love it. instead i had this awful mind numbiness take over my brain. that kind that makes you crabby about pretty much everything. that was me today.


blah.....


i got home. threw my bags and coat and the floor. felt like i wanted to scream at something. someone. anything. instead i checked my e-mail (our internet has been down since friday night and just started working again today!). i got a lovely comment from my carrie in regards to my previous post. that made me smile and brightened my mood a bit.


then i went over and read dolce's blog. she had a lovely post about her husband that made me sit back and realize that chris was just like that. it made me smile. it also made me realize that there was no reason for the funky shit of a mood i was in. it made me appreciate him all over again. when he came out of the other room (where i think he had been hiding from me and my mood) i told him i was sorry for being such a turd. i love that man. a ton.


after that i continued reading her blog and realized she gave me an award for my blog. :) never had one of those. it made my day. i think she was one of the first non-real-life-friends to comment on my blog and i've been hooked on hers ever since. so thanks dolce! you are fabulous :)


and now i'm off to spend some time with that hunk of a man i'm engaged to! i had more to post but i'll save that for another time :)


*it's been brought to my attention (on more than one occasion and mostly by my mother) that i should watch what i'm blogging about. watch my language. yet she didn't mind (and in fact liked) the one blog i wrote that i deleted out of worry of offending her. hmm.....