73. Missing: Sun.

dear sun.


please return.


-michelle






yesterday i saw a counselor. my depression has grown. my anxiety has grown. my irritability has grown. my tension has grown. my sense of worthlessness has grown. my anger has grown. my emptiness has grown. in other words i've been feeling like my nerves are about fried. that there is a real chance i might lose my mind.


the counselor. still not sure what to make of him. feeling like i should have perhaps requested a female. not liking the fact that when i left not only did my eyes sting from crying so much but that i felt worse if that was possible.


i've been thinking about why all day. i've come to a few conclusions - none of which i feel like writing about at the moment. i made an appointment with a different counselor. that won't be for another month. i'll go to this first counselor again next week. let him know my feelings. see what he says. determine if it's worth my time.


i know that i shouldn't just hear what i want to at such an appointment but i also know that giving me even more insecurities will not help. at all. that and he gave me a book to read. haven't really started it yet but so far there is a little too much god in it for me. again. we'll see.


in the meantime i'll keep trying to figure out what is going on with me. depression is an extremely lonely place. on the one hand all you want to do is cry and complain. and you do. to those closest to you. to the point where you feel not only stupid (because if you could play back a video of one of your breakdowns you'd realize what a complete buffoon you look like) but like you're driving them crazy.


so then you turn inwards. you try to push it all down. you have no outlet for your emotions except a journal but your hand won't keep up with your thoughts. you start to realize you're causing your body physical harm.


what then? that is where i'm at. the what then. the stuck. the place where you don't feel like hanging out or making idle chit-chat - you just don't have the energy to form the words 'i'm doing fine/good/great' you just don't care. you are alone.


so. if you've been wondering where i've been - there you go. i know i'll be fine but it's hard.


and some sunshine would really help.

43. [[:whimper:]]

normally i love thunderstorms - especially when they occur at night and you get to snuggle up in bed and listen to them. tonight should be one of those nights....


unfortunately i decided it would be a good idea to watch the 'sixth sense' when i saw it while flipping channels. that movie scared the shit out of me the first time i saw it (almost 10 years ago - can you believe that?) and still does. the lady in the bathrobe....yeeeee.....


add to that combo the fact that chris is on call tonight and had to leave just as we were getting into bed and it makes for one unable-to-sleep-scared-she'll-see-a-ghost girl.




UPDATE: 4am! that is when chris finally got home last night. 5 straight hours of fire alarms. oy.