dear sun.
please return.
-michelle
yesterday i saw a counselor. my depression has grown. my anxiety has grown. my irritability has grown. my tension has grown. my sense of worthlessness has grown. my anger has grown. my emptiness has grown. in other words i've been feeling like my nerves are about fried. that there is a real chance i might lose my mind.
the counselor. still not sure what to make of him. feeling like i should have perhaps requested a female. not liking the fact that when i left not only did my eyes sting from crying so much but that i felt worse if that was possible.
i've been thinking about why all day. i've come to a few conclusions - none of which i feel like writing about at the moment. i made an appointment with a different counselor. that won't be for another month. i'll go to this first counselor again next week. let him know my feelings. see what he says. determine if it's worth my time.
i know that i shouldn't just hear what i want to at such an appointment but i also know that giving me even more insecurities will not help. at all. that and he gave me a book to read. haven't really started it yet but so far there is a little too much god in it for me. again. we'll see.
in the meantime i'll keep trying to figure out what is going on with me. depression is an extremely lonely place. on the one hand all you want to do is cry and complain. and you do. to those closest to you. to the point where you feel not only stupid (because if you could play back a video of one of your breakdowns you'd realize what a complete buffoon you look like) but like you're driving them crazy.
so then you turn inwards. you try to push it all down. you have no outlet for your emotions except a journal but your hand won't keep up with your thoughts. you start to realize you're causing your body physical harm.
what then? that is where i'm at. the what then. the stuck. the place where you don't feel like hanging out or making idle chit-chat - you just don't have the energy to form the words 'i'm doing fine/good/great' you just don't care. you are alone.
so. if you've been wondering where i've been - there you go. i know i'll be fine but it's hard.
and some sunshine would really help.
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2 comments:
Oh my sweet-potato. I'm sorry to hear that things are rough right now. Obviously I can't make it all better for you but just know that I'm here if you need to bend an ear.
Hang in there, look forward to the good stuff...like sunshine. Simple things...one day at a time.
love you
Isn't the counselor game ridiculous? As soon as you find one you can actually speak to, your insurance has nearly run out.
I know how you feel, my darling. Two years ago I burst into tears at my gyno appointment like a nutbar, and she sent me packing to the psychs and gave me some pretty white pills and there you have it. I felt so ashamed, but you know what? I finally, finally feel better for it.
(Though I have to admit, at this conference, I DO NOT feel better, but my anxiety has risen to epic proportions, but that, my darling, is what happens when you cram 8000 writers into a Hilton conference and tell them to forget their to do list for a while and think about different things every hour and a half. My brain hurts.)
Thinking of you.
xo
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