77. Holy Poppins!

guess what!?

we are going to LONDON!

now. let the panic attacks start as i begin to think about that the fact that we actually have to fly to get there.....

76. 80

80.


80 days.


making progress. my mom came down last night and my future sister-in-law mandy came over to help with the wedding invitations. together we printed out 120 invitations. tied 120 ribbons. printed out 120 response cards. a successful evening.


now i just have to find shoes for the bridesmaid dresses. figure out what i want to do with my hair. create a playlist for the dj. decide if we're going to do a candy table and if so then order candy. determine whether or not we could afford to do london for a few days instead of our dream greek honeymoon. pick out outfits for the ring bearers. get the suits in order for the guys. buy stamps.


hmm. when i type it all out it seems like a lot more than when it was just in my mind floating about.


how about we list the things i have done and perhaps that list will be longer :)


i've booked and paid for the venue. found someone to marry us. bought a dress. taken care of the bridesmaids dresses. decided on the menu and alcohol selection. chosen what music to be played during the ceremony and for our first dance. bought and printed invitations. registered for gifts. finalized the guest list. ummm...i know there is more....


whatever. it'll get done and if not then we'll still be married at the end of the day which is what counts, right?

75. Target

tonight i've decided will be dedicated to wedding related doings.


i purchased our invitations at michaels.


i edited and organized our registries with williams & sonoma and macy's. easy peasy.


then i went to edit our target registry. hmph. let me start at the beginning.....


we registered at target last month. we used the little computer station to get started and everything was going fine until we tried to print out our stuff - nothing came out. we waited. still nothing. we asked a store associate for help and she told us to try another station and start from scratch. we did this only to have it tell us that an account had already been created using that information. so we tried to look up our information and it said our account did not exist. wtf? we finally got it taken care of. the associated handed us the scan gun and told us not to register for any items on clearance as they would not be in stock closer to the wedding.


everything in target was on clearance!


i thought by now it would be better but i can't even get that far. i can't click on items we've already registered for to jog my memory. and when i go to add new items it only lets you do it by category. and for example - i went to fitness/exercise - it only showed me about 20 items. but if you just go to plain old target website and click on the same category you get pages upon pages of items to buy! wtf?


so. i guess i'm saying that if you're coming to the wedding and have a macy's or williams and sonoma (we registered for small things there not fancy schmancy stuff) please shop at those. i'm not happy with target right now. at all. hmph.


on to something more fun....

74. Sun Status: Peeking

since i seem to be in the market for a bit of sunshine i've decided to go along with carrie and do this.


the first five people to leave me a comment will recieve something i've made!


the only rule is that you must make the same offer on your own blog


who doesn't love recieving a gift in the mail?

73. Missing: Sun.

dear sun.


please return.


-michelle






yesterday i saw a counselor. my depression has grown. my anxiety has grown. my irritability has grown. my tension has grown. my sense of worthlessness has grown. my anger has grown. my emptiness has grown. in other words i've been feeling like my nerves are about fried. that there is a real chance i might lose my mind.


the counselor. still not sure what to make of him. feeling like i should have perhaps requested a female. not liking the fact that when i left not only did my eyes sting from crying so much but that i felt worse if that was possible.


i've been thinking about why all day. i've come to a few conclusions - none of which i feel like writing about at the moment. i made an appointment with a different counselor. that won't be for another month. i'll go to this first counselor again next week. let him know my feelings. see what he says. determine if it's worth my time.


i know that i shouldn't just hear what i want to at such an appointment but i also know that giving me even more insecurities will not help. at all. that and he gave me a book to read. haven't really started it yet but so far there is a little too much god in it for me. again. we'll see.


in the meantime i'll keep trying to figure out what is going on with me. depression is an extremely lonely place. on the one hand all you want to do is cry and complain. and you do. to those closest to you. to the point where you feel not only stupid (because if you could play back a video of one of your breakdowns you'd realize what a complete buffoon you look like) but like you're driving them crazy.


so then you turn inwards. you try to push it all down. you have no outlet for your emotions except a journal but your hand won't keep up with your thoughts. you start to realize you're causing your body physical harm.


what then? that is where i'm at. the what then. the stuck. the place where you don't feel like hanging out or making idle chit-chat - you just don't have the energy to form the words 'i'm doing fine/good/great' you just don't care. you are alone.


so. if you've been wondering where i've been - there you go. i know i'll be fine but it's hard.


and some sunshine would really help.

72. AH!

i'm pissed.


i have so much i want to blog about - like the fact that i'm getting married very soon! i have lots and lots of pictures that i want to post! but i can't do any of it becuase our internet connection is just crap.


i finally gave up on getting any pictures uploaded and just blogged. i spent 40 minutes blogging. i went to hit publish and it deleted the whole thing and saying i had a problem with my internet connection. wtf?


comcast claims it's not them but that is just bullshit. and i'm sick of fucking paying for a service that we're not getting!


so....if anyone actually still checks my blog. i want to blog. i have lots of things to blog about. but i can't. right now i'm on my work computer again but i don't like signing into my account here becuase the system here is just complete and utter crap and i don't think it's very secure. AH!


so. hopefully soon i'll be able to blog about everything that has been happening. i'd also like to update our wedding website but unfortunately the thought of even using my computer (here or at home) just gives me a massive headache to even think about. Hmph.

71. Excuses!

i haven't blogged in a long long time.....here's why.


comcast sucks.


our internet has been shit for weeks now. i tried blogging on numerous occasions but i had pictures i wanted to blog and they weren't able to upload due to such a slow freakin' connection. so i got frustrated and just didn't post.


we're working on fixing it. we called comcast and they said it was our computer but chris ran test that said otherwise. who knows. but hopefully i'll be back to blogging soon as i really miss this outlet! in the meantime i've started journaling.


and in case you're wondering how i'm blogging now - i'm at work. somehow the internet shields came down. hmmmm......